Letters to Elijah: “Days are long, but years are short.”

Tomorrow marks your fifth birthday. I now understand what it means when they say, “They grow up too fast!“

Flashbacks from the moment I saw you in the operating room, you, my little boy, was the first one who made me a mother. I will be forever thankful for that.

Francis Elijah (November 17, 2015)

You may be unfocused and too energetic on your first few years, but I already notice that you are starting to have certain topics of interest. At age 2, you were amazed with anything with wheels, and your dad made sure he brings home a toy every day we were in Singapore.

Francis Elijah (November 2016)

Then you shifted your interest to Dinosaurs at the age of 3. Thanks to you, I also memorized their names which I seriously did not bother to know before. Again, your ever supportive Daddy bought you a bunch of Dinosaur toys and books, to feed your imagination, to answer your questions.

Francis Elijah (November 2018)

At the age of 4 your maturity unfolds and you began speaking sentences, from phrases to complete ones. I really do not remember how you started learning about the Solar System. The next thing I know is that you are blasting me with questions that I needed to research. Memorizing the 8 planets and the 5 dwarf planets was not enough for you. You asked me to read the books to you over and over again, learning even the planets’ moons, composition and colors.

Francis Elijah (2020)

Months after, you that you started exploring world geography. You learned about towers of the world and started asking me about every single landmark you learned in videos. You memorized their names and location, which forced me to memorize them too.

All I can say is, you are amazing. Your brain works like a sponge and the best I can do is to feed it with facts.

But you are no weirdo, you love watching Ryan’s Toy Review, PJ Mask and Number Blocks too. You happily wore Gecko and Catboy’s costume in your Halloween Parties. I still remember your happiness wearing those.

This year has been crazy, but I am thankful everyday when I get to sleep between you and your brother, squeezed tightly. Again, thankful for your Dad’s hard work abroad, he made you live your life comfortably.

I am sorry for my shortcomings. This year I realized that it is not the time I spend on you, but the time I spend with you that matters. I may have been busy managing my time as a mother and as an entrepreneur, but always remember I will choose you, my sons, over everything. Every sacrifices, your dad and I are doing are for your future.

I love you, always and forever. Mommy will always be here to comfort you from a bad dream. I will scratch your head until you fall asleep. I will pray with you as you lead our goodnight prayers. I promise to be here for you, always.

Francis Elijah (October 2020)

Likewise, Daddy is just a video call away when you need to tell him about how your day went. He loves you as much as I do.

Happy 5th Birthday, my love. Continue to explore and wonder.

Loving you endlessly,

Mommy

Sulat Para Sa Iyo, Koko

Ang matatambok mong mga pisngi,

Malulusog na braso at matatabang mga daliri

Amoy mo sa umaga, tanghali, at sa gabi,

Hagikhik mong sa saya at giliw ay siksik.

Kamay mo sa kamay ko

Inaabot mo ng tingin ang mga mata ko.

Ngiti sa iyong mga labi,

Pasasalamat tila ang pinahihiwatig.

Kislap ng iyong mga mata,

Padyak ng iyong mga paa,

Pagtanaw mo sa pagkain na hindi mapagkakaila

Dulot mo’y saya sa tahanan na kailangan ng ligaya.

Matimbang na katawan,

Pagkahilig sa hele at indakan,

Huwag kang mag-alala,

Ako ay nandito at laging magdadala

Ng bawat pangarap, maliit man o hindi

Handang suporta para sa iyo aking natatangi.

Hanggang sa iyong paglaki ako ay gagabay

Upang masiguradong maayos ang iyong magiging paglalakbay.

Mahal na mahal kita anak.

Di matutumbasan.

Di mababawasan.

Maligayang ika-anim na buwan.

Letters to Elijah: My love may not be enough

Found this on my notepad yesterday as I about to reset my phone back to its original settings. Though I can’t remember the date I wrote this, the feelings I had that time still linger to my skin. The reasons for those feelings are better to be left unspoken.

Dearest Elijah,

I want to love you immensely, that you will not need love from anybody else, but I couldn’t.
Even if I pour all the love I can give to you, it will not be enough. Why? Because I may be the world to you for now, but it will not always stay that way. Sooner or later, you will need to walk out of our house; meet other people, make acquaintances, and build friendships. Sooner or later you will realize that the world does not revolve only around Mommy and Daddy; that there is a wider unit of the society than our basic.

You will learn that in life, love is inevitable. It can make you or it may break you. You need to learn and feel how to love, and to be loved back; In the same way that you need to learn how to love without expecting love in return. Not everyone will like or love you, not everyone will care about you. People, friends, acquaintances come and go. They may leave you lessons and memories, but most of them can’t stay in your life forever. The good news is, there will always be some who will give you the love you deserve. There will always be someone like me and Daddy, your ‘constants’, who will love you no matter what.

Since you are only two and can barely survive this world without parental guidance, let me love you in the ways that I can, in the immeasurable quantity I can give. Let me take care of you while you still see me as your universe. Let me return your random kisses every day, hug you so tight as you cling to me.  Let me be your first love, your bestfriend. Let me be a mother to you.

As much as I would like to protect you from the harsh reality of life, there are things that are out of my control. Though I am hoping that this love I have for you will be more than enough, I know it may not be.

Let me add more prayers that when you grow up, you may have a good foundation of love within yourself and at the same time, may have an overflowing love to share for others.

I will always and forever love you,

Mommy

The battles we won

“Today was a heartbreak. Like my heart is literally taken away from my chest. Mother’s love. Immeasurable. I thought I could sleep all through out this flight, but I can’t. I am demanding myself to get this so-much-sought-for-straight sleep for the past few months, but I just can’t close my eyes peacefully at this very moment. Maybe because I left my heart in the Philippines, I left my ‘life’ in the Philippines.”

I saw these words on my notepad, written last March 26, 2016. This was the first-time I left Philippines without bringing my baby. I still remember the pain I felt on that very night, and how I unrestrainedly cried during the flight. I was seated on the window seat, which was a good thing, I was able to look at the window, and cry silently. I was so depressed. It was a mixture of sadness and guilt. “What kind of mother was I? A bad mother” I thought to myself. It was a peaceful flight but emotionally, it was chaotic inside.

I had a challenging first year of motherhood. Looking back, Kiko and I had a crazy year of parenthood. We booked and travelled back home almost every month to see our baby. Even though it was costly, we brought our baby to Singapore everytime my Tita or Mother is available to babysit.

In all honesty, my husband and I shared a lot of tears together the past year. Every time our baby gets sick, we helplessly cry. We fought a lot as well, arguing again and again, even though we always knew the best answer to our situation.

My husband is my life’s biggest and most significant gem. He calms my emotions when they are bursting. He holds my hand whenever I am trembling. He listens patiently even though I am already shouting. He endured a lot. If there is a living guardian angel, that’s my husband. Sometimes I am thinking if I am worthy for him. But God has reasons why He let me marry him.

I learned that we must not let anger prevail. In marriage, try to turn bad moments to good. Do not waste your time being angry. If you need to be angry, then be. But forgive immediately and move on. Time wasted cannot be gained back.

Do not put all your burdens to your partner. You are one, you should share everything. Explain patiently. Take your part. Embrace the situation and face it together. That’s what marriage is all about.

Worrying will not solve anything. For the things out of your control, pray. Prayer changes things. It is your most powerful tool to overcome any situation. Pray together with your partner, so it will be ‘louder’.

Trust God. As they say, He has written every thing beforehand. The pain is temporary. Have faith that brighter days are coming.

Now that I am on my flight back to Philippines, I am thinking about how God made us stronger this past year. We might have lot of weaknesses, missed chances, wrong decisions and doubts, but He still let us feel the joy of having a child. An unexplainable feeling only a parent can feel. A sense of worthiness, a sense of fulfillment.

We are now facing another chapter of our lives. I am moving back to Philippines to raise our son, my husband will be staying in Singapore to save more. I know with God’s grace the time will come when we will be together.

Geographically apart, we will face this unpredictable life together. Hand in hand, we will be raising Elijah to be a good person. I am ready to face more challenges because I am not alone,
I have my husband,
I have my son
and most importantly,
I have my God.

P.S. To my husband, if you are reading this, please always remember that I love you. Thank you for everything.

Originally written last December 22, 2016 while I was on my flight from Singapore to Manila

Letters to Elijah: Because Quitting is NOT Failing

First of the many spontaneous letters I will write for my beloved son, based on what I feel at this very moment.

Dearest Elijah, 

You may hear others say “If you quit, you fail“. That statement makes sense at one point, but you must always remember that quitting is not parallel with failing. Difference between the two might be difficult for you to understand at a young age, but I am hoping that when you reach a certain point in your life that you badly want to quit, you can read this letter and contemplate before deciding.

• Maybe a person wants to quit because of a more valuable reason. 
• Maybe a person wants to quit because the path he has been travelling is a wrong direction after all.
• Maybe a person wants to quit because he knew he would completely fail if he continue. 
• Maybe a person wants to quit because that is the only option left.

Quitting means you are unable to finish what you have started. It can be a basis for failure, but definitely not its sole indicator. Habang may buhay, may pag-asa. Quitting will never be the END for a person who have a dream, especially if that person works hard to achieve it. You can quit, anak, but never stop trying again.

Success cannot absolutely be felt without experiencing the opposite. Tons of hardwork is needed for a person to attain it, alongside with perseverance, faith and courage to keep pushing forward despite the shower of obstacles along the way.

But what if the very reason you want to succeed is also the reason you want to quit?

I want you to know that sometimes, you can use your heart in deciding. I know it is important to be logical and rational most of the time, but darling, it is okay to be human. It is okay if you’ll decide using your heart. Because most of the time, decision made from the heart are the ones that make our lives worth living. Those decisions are oftentimes the purest and the most sincere. Because it comes from your very heart.

My recent circumstances made me realize that when it comes to love, sacrifices are worth it. Even though it means you’ll need to leave your comfort zone.

After making a recent decision using my heart, I felt an inexplicable kind of relief and happiness. A line from a teleserye (which I recently heard) erased the minor doubt I have after making such.

“Bilang ina, malalaman mo kung tama ang desisyon mo kung ayun ang tama sabi ng puso mo” 

I think this line applies to all those who are making decisions out of love.

Life is unpredictable, son.  The decisions we are going to make might be right, most of the times they maybe wrong. But the choice is always ours to make. With good choices we can prosper, with bad choices we can learn. Always remember to bring your own choices with you wherever you go, because from there you can move forward and create your future. Always remember, life is meant to be enjoyed with the choices we make, the time we have left, and the people who chose to be with us, whether we asked them to stay, or not.

I love you.

Always here to listen, 

Mommy

 

Diary of a First-Time Mom: Is this Normal?

Is this normal?

First-time moms might ask themselves this question a lot during the first few months of their child’s life. If only Motherhood comes with a handbook, we shall know what’s normal and what’s not. But even if there is such a handbook, it can never be an accurate basis. Why? Because babies are different from each other. Their genetics, growth, appearance and reaction are very distinctive. The complicated subject of Biology made this possible.

Baby Acne

Three weeks after giving birth, I noticed a pimple on my son’s left cheek. I initially thought it was just a rash that will soon go away, but it’s not.  After few days, his skin became oily, I remember mine. Kidding aside, I genuinely thought the oil comes from my face since I kiss him a lot, and put my face beside his most of the time. But again, it’s not. Turned out, it is baby acne. Oh my baby boy, the pimples shows off more and more each day, and I began to worry.

According to the site which I follow, BabyCenter, “Baby acne looks similar to teenage acne. You’ll see white or red bumps or pimples, which may be surrounded by reddish skin. Acne usually appears on the cheeks and sometimes on the forehead, the chin, and even the back. It can become more pronounced when your baby is hot or fussy, or if his skin is irritated by saliva, spit-up milk, or fabric that’s a little rough or has been washed in strong laundry detergent.”

Source: BabyCenter, Baby Acne http://www.babycenter.com/0_baby-acne_72.bc 

1.) Baby acne looks similar to teenage acne. Yes it does. I thought that babies skin is always soft and flawless. Honestly, I never heard of baby acne before, so I was quite surprised.

2.) Acne usually appears on the cheeks and sometimes on the forehead, the chin, and even the back. My son had it all over his face and even in his neck, chest and shoulders.

3.) It can become more pronounced when your baby is hot or fussy, or if his skin is irritated by saliva, spit-up milk, or fabric that’s a little rough or has been washed in strong laundry detergent. 

My son’s pediatrician said that breastfeeding might contribute to the acne. The warmth of my body while he’s feeding might be the cause. Spit-up milk was eyed as a culprit as well. The doctor recommended me to wipe clean his neck, and the areas around the mouth every after breastfeeding, which I usually do. She also told me to avoid clothes with prints or logos, and those t-shirt with collars. So I do what I was told, I made him wear all-white cotton onesies. I eliminated the fact that laundry detergent may be one of the causes, since we rarely use too much of it on my son’s clothes, even since birth, to avoid any skin irritation.

After reading various blogs, Thank you Google, I found out that baby acne is normal for newborn babies. It is more common for boys actually. There is no identified cause yet but experts say that it probably is the effect of mother’s hormones, which has been passed to the baby through the placenta on the last weeks of pregnancy. Because of these hormones, the baby’s skin release too much oil during their early weeks, which led to the acne.

We did not try to apply any topical cream or ointment since our paediatrician did not recommend any. She just suggested us to try more gentle baby bath products such as Lactacyd and Cetaphil. We tried to use the two but there was no improvement after weeks. She then recommended Aveeno baby bath (oatmeal solution) during our next wellness check-up. It is very hard to find this product in the Philippines. After searching through the premiere malls, I was told it can be bought in S&R. Aside from its scent, I think it helped soothe my son’s skin. On the other hand, Aveeno is well-known here in Singapore. You can usually buy it in any mall’s baby section.

Even though I’ve read in some breastfeeding forums that breastmilk might help, (by washing your baby’s face with it), I did not try it at all. Breastmilk is sweet and it may attract ants which may cause more problem.

There were times when he seems to be scratching his face. Maybe the pimples are itchy, or painful, no one can specifically tell. If the baby is bothered, the mother, most likely, is bothered more.

Since doctors are sure that baby acne just clears without any skin medication, I just decided to wait and not intervene further. We just did our usual routine. One bath every morning using Aveeno. Wiping the areas around his neck and around his soft lips where milk is spilled. At night, I just wipe his face and body with clean cotton cloth before putting him on his pajamas.

My son’s acne lasted for a month and one week. There’s always a rainbow after the rain, as the song goes.

He had clear, bright and flawless skin afterwards.

So if you’re gonna ask yourself, Is Baby Acne normal?

YES, IT IS.

P.S. When in doubt, pay a visit to your doctor. Refrain from self-medication. You can do research but medical specialists know best. Relax Mommy, everything will be fine. And always say your prayers to the one up there! He answers! ❤️

 

This was the peak of his acne, about one-month old.

Few days before his second-month 💕 #AcneFree

 

 

 

 

 

Diary of a First-Time Mom: Feeding Blues

My mother told me that I only stopped breastfeeding at the age of three.

Yes, three. I have four more siblings and we were all breastfed for years, except for our eldest, who was introduced to formula milk early since my grandparents had bought quite a number.

I still elusively recall an instance of my childhood when I came home from playing outside. I was so thirsty. I then looked for my mother and asked for milk. Then I latched and my thirst was satisfied.

I can attest that breastfeeding brings a lot of benefits for both the mother and the child. Speaking for myself, I had a strong set of teeth growing up. I never had a severe illness which require hospital confinement. I performed well at school, intellect-wise. I was physically healthy for years.

As you can recall, I had an emergency CS. Honestly, I was not prepared for that. My mind and heart was prepared for a normal delivery. I knew I can do it, not until my baby’s fetal heartbeat became irregular inside my tummy. Recovering from CS operation was one of the most difficult times in my life. I was a good patient, but after the painkillers lost their effect on my system, I became exasperated.

It was my postpartum day two when my breast leaked milk. Unfortunately, the hospital did not arrange for rooming-in. I know its against the law. For your information, there is already a law for this requirement. All newborns should be roomed-in with their parents.

With the help of google, I am pertaining to Republic Act 7600, “The Rooming-In and Breast-feeding Act of 1992”. As section 6 indicates, infants delivered by caesarian section shall be roomed-in and breast-fed within three (3) to four (4) hours after birth.

I plead to my doctor but the nurses and admin refused my request. They said my son can be exposed to germs in the hospital. Since our parents and my husband thought they have a point, I just did not say anything in protest.  Making the story short, my son stayed at the nursery for five days. I was brought to the nursery by my husband via wheelchair on our third morning at the hospital. Not minding how painful my wound was, I stood up without support, entered the nursery alone since only mothers were allowed. There was my big baby boy, I carried him in my arms for the first-time and everything stopped. Insert all the extremely mushy words here

I started breastfeeding on our first point of contact inside the nursery. HE REFUSED TO LATCH, but I insisted. HE CRIED AND REFUSED AT THE SECOND TIME, but I insisted. HE STILL REFUSED, CRIED LOUDER AT THE SUBSEQUENT TIMES WE TRIED, but I insisted. My husband brought me to the nursery every three hours for the rest of our confinement. I actually thought I can’t make breastfeeding possible. My son was already used in formula milk, and bottle feeding. But mothers just want the best for their child, and so, I said to myself that I will try harder. When we were discharged out of the hospital, I gradually decreased my baby’s intake of formula milk. Perseverance and Commitment were the key. Finally, at our third day at home, formula milk was ignored.

The nights became longer and I became a vampire. Kidding. I can hardly recall how much sleep I got every night during the first month. Maybe there was none. Haha

There is one feeling I can vividly remember that time, the heavenly feeling after waking up from a three-hour nap time. Felt like it was the longest sleep I had in my entire life. Three hours only and it already felt like I won the lottery.

Patience is a virtue. I can still recall how painful every time my baby was feeding. Every single time. But as the day goes by, I became used to it. After three rough weeks, I made it. We made it. Breastfeeding was just a piece of cake. I loved my choice. We saved a lot of money while giving the best nutrition my baby can get in this world.

During my baby’s second month, there was another breastfeeding obstacle I faced. I NEEDED TO GO BACK TO WORK.We brought him to Singapore due to my goal to breastfeed him as long as I could. I reported back to work the next day. There was a big problem. There is no lactation room in our office. For the first two days I was forced to pump at the toilet. Imagine. At the toilet. Is that sanitary? Definitely not. I just pumped for the sake of releasing milk from my engorged system. But I have to solve the issue. I have to find a place. Fortunately in a mall nearby, there are lactation rooms, so I utilized it during my lunch break. Yes, lunch break is the only time I can make there on time. Since breastfeeding equates to hunger, I just eat at the fastest way possible so I can adhere to my work schedule. This situation left me with no another choice but to wake up in the wee hours of the night to collect stash for the next day.

My baby latched (unlimited) during the night which made it hard for me to produce more and collect milk for my daily stash. Every morning, I get up around 5:00 AM, I pumped milk, get dressed and go to work. Upon reaching home, I pumped milk as well. The cycle goes on, everyday. Hardwork.

Due to immigration policies, my son needed to go home. We were separated for three weeks after his fourth month and I did not have enough stash to sustain his increasing needs. I felt guilty. Super guilty. We were left with no choice but to switch to formula.

And now, to compensate for the nutrients he missed out from breastfeeding, we are introducing him to TAMANG KAIN. He eats green! He loved every fruit and vegetable we introduce him to. Lucky I have my Nanay and Titas who are helping me to feed baby Eli.

Here are some of his favorites (blended):

• Sweet Potato with Malunggay
• Potato sometimes with Petchay
• Squash mostly with Malunggay
• Sayote mostly with Malunggay
• Apple, Melon, Mango
• Orange Juice (his number one favorite drink, at least one orange a day)
• Rice, Fish, and Meat (small amounts only)

 

Nonetheless, I am still a proud Mommy. Four months may be a short period, less than the recommended, but I am confident to say that I tried my very best. They say as long as you are trying hard to be the best mother, you’re already doing a great job. 🙂 

 

Worth every single pain

You can tell if a mother is breastfeeding if she can’t live without “LAMPIN” HAHA

First Flight to SG, breastfeeding made it easier

Breast milk in a bottle

At Lactation Room during lunch break

Shifting Partner

The first latch

The breastfed cutie

My insulated bag

 

 

Scattered Choices

Arms on the desk, my hands almost together, as my thumb and middle finger reaches for my engagement and wedding rings, rotating them clockwise, then counter clockwise, while I stare at nothing. A blank view maybe. Then, I come back to reality. 

My thoughts are scattered like a dust in the wind. I can barely see them. But I know they exist. I cannot identify where, but they are everywhere. My thoughts, or the dust, they are just there.

Today is 17th of July 2016, my baby boy’s first “monthsary” celebration without me by his side. It is his eighth. While I patiently wait for every picture or video my family will be sending from home, my heart holds a great weight.

Honestly, I am beyond guilty. I feel guilty every single day I am away from him. Guilt, as they say, crawls down to the spine, makes you feel cold, or worse, makes you shiver. I am a mother. Shouldn’t be a mother always with her child?

One month of long distance relationship feels like years. I am away with my son and all my heart says is I need to be with him. But why I am still here? Why I am still working my ass off in a foreign land far away from my son? Why did I choose to be here?

DO I HAVE A CHOICE? Yes, I have. Lucky me, I have plenty. But I am so consumed with guilt I cannot see them. I am so afraid to face the choices because I know the right choice is different from the practical one. My brain’s choice is different from my heart’s. My choice as a mother is different from my choice as a wife.

GOD IS ALWAYS GOOD. He asked me to look closer.

God gave me a beautiful family. They fill the gaps I miss in Parenthood. They stand as second parents to my son when I am not around. He gave me an amazing mother whose love for my son is as big as mine. He gave me a good job in a country, which is only four hours away from home. He blessed me with the financial capability of going home, every month, or every other week. He gave me my husband, who understands my feelings and lifts my spirit up when I am down.

He showered me with blessings I did not acknowledge at first because I think I am already a failure.  He always give me choices I refuse to identify. He is guiding me to a better choice, which soon, I hope I can make.

Life is beautiful. I am a mother. I will always be one. I hope I can be with my son 24/7. I pray that we will be together always. But that is not how the world works right now. 

 

A Random Note For You

And it was just like that, like an overview of a movie played fast forward, five months have passed since I first held you.

It seems like it was just yesterday when you cannot fit into your jeans. It seems like it was just yesterday when you were frustrated with what to wear next because no clothes of yours seem comfortable. It seems like it was just yesterday when you cannot sleep straight because you needed to pee again and again and again. It seems like it was just yesterday when your bag was full of food and snack in the fear of getting hungry. It seems like it was just yesterday when there was a non-stop battle between you and your husband regarding the looks of your little one. It seems like it was just yesterday when you were rushed to the hospital and gave birth to the most handsome boy you’ll ever see in your entire life.

It seems like it was just yesterday.
All of it just seems like it was just yesterday.

Few days from now, my son will be five months old. FIVE MONTHS OLD and I am already too emotional. So can you imagine what more when he turns ONE? Turns Two? Turns Three… Twenty One? Thirty? Fifty?

SIGH.

Truly, there is no other heart that can love you better than a heart of a Mom. And I will be forever thankful for the love I have been receiving from my Mother. Now I know why mothers know best. They can feel the pain of their children. They can feel the fears, the anxieties, and of course the happiness, as well as the joy.

---

To my big boy, Elijah,

I wish I can be with you twenty-four by seven, baby. But there are some things we need to sacrifice for the mean time for the sake of our future. If you only know how much I wish and pray that I can be with you most of the time. Guide you, touch you, walk with you, hug you, kiss you. If you only know how much I endure the pain of not seeing you for weeks. If you only know how often I pray every second for your health and safety.

Please always remember that Mommy loves you so much. (I bet Daddy feels the same way too) I know you’ll understand, in time, that our temporary separation will have greater returns.

Remember anak that I love you with all my heart. I love you from the very beginning. I love you now. I love you forever.

I will see you soon. From the date of this writing, it is just only 4 nights until I see you. It has been only three weeks but it feels like a year for me.

Please save your warmest hug for me, I’ll save mine too.

Loving you always,
Mommy

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Birthing Story

And then all of a sudden, my life revolves around this little human being, this human being, I called ‘son’. 

It was past seven in the night of 16th November 2015 when I felt indescribable contractions. I only felt it twice, lasting less than 15 seconds, that’s why I did not bother.

We are past our due. It has been three days after my expected date of delivery. Everyone was already asking when will I deliver, asking why I have not delivered yet at that point of time, and if I am not concerned that we are already overdue. If I only knew the answers to those questions, I will immediately address it. But giving birth can not be scheduled, unless otherwise you are delivering via scheduled CS operation.

I set my mind to give birth naturally. I plan to give birth by a normal way.

But everything did not go as planned. 

My father who just came back from work asked me how I am feeling, I said that I am feeling fine. No regular contractions, I even managed to walk around the village the whole afternoon, and tried going up and down the stairs as what I usually do during the ninth month. But I told him that my tummy feels kinda hard since 1:00PM.

With that statement, my father immediately obliged me to send a message to my OB. And so I did. I told the assistant what I was feeling, and the assistant replied back saying that I should go to the clinic immediately so I can have my baby checked. (By the way, my OB and I agreed to have me induced by 41 weeks which is 20th November 2015 if my baby still did not come out.)

So I sent a message to my cousin to accompany me to the clinic. Brought my hospital bags, the camera, food, and other things for delivery. Everyone is excited. My whole family came along just in case I will be admitted that night.

Upon reaching the clinic, my doctor checked and found out that I am only 1cm dilated. Oh yes, after all the walking I am still at 1! So I told my family that it was time to go home, it was maybe a false alarm. But my OB suggested to do a fetal heartbeat scan to double check.

Then I heard the scariest sound of my life. 

My son’s heartbeat reaches about 180 bpm. Doctor said that the normal fetal heart rate (FHR) usually ranges from 120 to 160 beats per minute (bpm). It continuously increased, the beat got faster and faster, like the sound of a horse running in a race. After a few seconds, it dropped to 112 bpm.My OB immediately said that we should already book an Operation Room in the hospital nearby since I need to be cut open, AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, IN THE FASTEST POSSIBLE WAY.

Then I cried.

Just like the first time I found out I was pregnant, I cried. I cried that time because I am afraid for my son. I know we were both in danger, but I am more concerned of his well-being. I loved him from the very start. I loved him dearly that I need to keep him safe and alive.

I was rushed in the emergency room of the hospital, nurses asked to change my clothes to a hospital dress, put the IV, then rushed me to the Operating Room. Seriously, it was the first time I will be admitted. It was the first major medical procedure in my whole life that is why I was so so so afraid.

And my husband was still in Singapore. He already rushed to the airport at the time he knew I needed an emergency CS. I want to see him and hold him, and hear him say that everything will be okay, but it was still a three-an-a-half flight to Manila.

I was shaking. I became more nervous when my parents kissed me and said that everything will be alright. Everything was fast. I was not ready yet.

Here comes the baby!

I was in the Operating room, half-sedated since I need to be awake during the operation. Oops! I ate chocolates and drank water hours before the operation so the Anesthesiologist told me I need to be awake in case I need to vomit.

So there, I was awake, eyes wide open, starting to feel nothing. Then all of the scenes became a dreamy-like-movie-effect in my perspective. After few minutes, I saw my baby lifted up by my OB. I heard his first cry. Then I saw him at the side table being cleaned by the nurses.

All of a sudden, I felt his face touching mine, he was crying.

Then I said, “Hello Eli, I love you.”

Motherhood since 17th November 2015

It was 12:35 in the early morning of 17th November 2015 when I officially became a mother.

This is one of the happiest days in my life.

The day I will forever cherish.

The day that will always remind me that God is good all the time.

That God has been blessing us so much.

That God is merciful.

That God is Love.

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Welcome and I will forever love you,

Francis Elijah Guevarra Matias

 

“Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good. ” 1 Peter 2:2-3