Scattered Choices

Arms on the desk, my hands almost together, as my thumb and middle finger reaches for my engagement and wedding rings, rotating them clockwise, then counter clockwise, while I stare at nothing. A blank view maybe. Then, I come back to reality. 

My thoughts are scattered like a dust in the wind. I can barely see them. But I know they exist. I cannot identify where, but they are everywhere. My thoughts, or the dust, they are just there.

Today is 17th of July 2016, my baby boy’s first “monthsary” celebration without me by his side. It is his eighth. While I patiently wait for every picture or video my family will be sending from home, my heart holds a great weight.

Honestly, I am beyond guilty. I feel guilty every single day I am away from him. Guilt, as they say, crawls down to the spine, makes you feel cold, or worse, makes you shiver. I am a mother. Shouldn’t be a mother always with her child?

One month of long distance relationship feels like years. I am away with my son and all my heart says is I need to be with him. But why I am still here? Why I am still working my ass off in a foreign land far away from my son? Why did I choose to be here?

DO I HAVE A CHOICE? Yes, I have. Lucky me, I have plenty. But I am so consumed with guilt I cannot see them. I am so afraid to face the choices because I know the right choice is different from the practical one. My brain’s choice is different from my heart’s. My choice as a mother is different from my choice as a wife.

GOD IS ALWAYS GOOD. He asked me to look closer.

God gave me a beautiful family. They fill the gaps I miss in Parenthood. They stand as second parents to my son when I am not around. He gave me an amazing mother whose love for my son is as big as mine. He gave me a good job in a country, which is only four hours away from home. He blessed me with the financial capability of going home, every month, or every other week. He gave me my husband, who understands my feelings and lifts my spirit up when I am down.

He showered me with blessings I did not acknowledge at first because I think I am already a failure.  He always give me choices I refuse to identify. He is guiding me to a better choice, which soon, I hope I can make.

Life is beautiful. I am a mother. I will always be one. I hope I can be with my son 24/7. I pray that we will be together always. But that is not how the world works right now. 

 

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