“Today was a heartbreak. Like my heart is literally taken away from my chest. Mother’s love. Immeasurable. I thought I could sleep all through out this flight, but I can’t. I am demanding myself to get this so-much-sought-for-straight sleep for the past few months, but I just can’t close my eyes peacefully at this very moment. Maybe because I left my heart in the Philippines, I left my ‘life’ in the Philippines.”
I saw these words on my notepad, written last March 26, 2016. This was the first-time I left Philippines without bringing my baby. I still remember the pain I felt on that very night, and how I unrestrainedly cried during the flight. I was seated on the window seat, which was a good thing, I was able to look at the window, and cry silently. I was so depressed. It was a mixture of sadness and guilt. “What kind of mother was I? A bad mother” I thought to myself. It was a peaceful flight but emotionally, it was chaotic inside.
I had a challenging first year of motherhood. Looking back, Kiko and I had a crazy year of parenthood. We booked and travelled back home almost every month to see our baby. Even though it was costly, we brought our baby to Singapore everytime my Tita or Mother is available to babysit.
In all honesty, my husband and I shared a lot of tears together the past year. Every time our baby gets sick, we helplessly cry. We fought a lot as well, arguing again and again, even though we always knew the best answer to our situation.
My husband is my life’s biggest and most significant gem. He calms my emotions when they are bursting. He holds my hand whenever I am trembling. He listens patiently even though I am already shouting. He endured a lot. If there is a living guardian angel, that’s my husband. Sometimes I am thinking if I am worthy for him. But God has reasons why He let me marry him.
I learned that we must not let anger prevail. In marriage, try to turn bad moments to good. Do not waste your time being angry. If you need to be angry, then be. But forgive immediately and move on. Time wasted cannot be gained back.
Do not put all your burdens to your partner. You are one, you should share everything. Explain patiently. Take your part. Embrace the situation and face it together. That’s what marriage is all about.
Worrying will not solve anything. For the things out of your control, pray. Prayer changes things. It is your most powerful tool to overcome any situation. Pray together with your partner, so it will be ‘louder’.
Trust God. As they say, He has written every thing beforehand. The pain is temporary. Have faith that brighter days are coming.
Now that I am on my flight back to Philippines, I am thinking about how God made us stronger this past year. We might have lot of weaknesses, missed chances, wrong decisions and doubts, but He still let us feel the joy of having a child. An unexplainable feeling only a parent can feel. A sense of worthiness, a sense of fulfillment.
We are now facing another chapter of our lives. I am moving back to Philippines to raise our son, my husband will be staying in Singapore to save more. I know with God’s grace the time will come when we will be together.
Geographically apart, we will face this unpredictable life together. Hand in hand, we will be raising Elijah to be a good person. I am ready to face more challenges because I am not alone,
I have my husband,
I have my son
and most importantly,
I have my God.
P.S. To my husband, if you are reading this, please always remember that I love you. Thank you for everything.
Originally written last December 22, 2016 while I was on my flight from Singapore to Manila